The past few months, as some of you will know, I have been directing the First Year Grad Student production of Meghan Reimer's play Hunter. And it has been rewarding, challenging, uplifting, challenging. . . I think you see what I'm saying. See, here's the thing. For those of you who saw the play in Performance Hall this week (which has one more performance tomorrow at 7:30 for those who haven't come yet), you know that the script was amazing. It was awe-inspiring and honest. It laid the truth bare and gave it to an intelligent audience to mull over. I loved this play. But I was terrified. I'm not really an experienced director. And I thought I was going to ruin the show, or at least make it weaker. My self-confidence was at an all time low. I began to doubt being a theatre grad student. I didn't think I was good enough. So for a writing assignment that we grad students have, I wrote this essay. It's literally my mental process going through this. And I wanted to share this with any of you that are struggling with knowing where you fit in the big picture or knowing what God wants you to do with your life. . . so here we go. . . *big breath*
"Worth in the Pieces"
What if I'm not good at anything? Sure, Biblically I have a purpose. And God didn't create me the way he did for no reason. But. . . what if I think I'm not good enough. Can that stop God? Can He still use someone who doesn't think that they can be used? Maybe I'm just exhausted--maybe this is par for the course and I'm just now getting to the questioning phase. . . . But lately I've been questioning my purpose. When I came to school my Freshman year I was an English Ed major. I hated it. I only did it because it was practical. After all, "I'm not getting married anytime soon. How am I supposed to provide for myself with a theatre degree?" It was discouraging. I struggled for so long to figure out why God would give me a passion for something and then not let me do anything with it. Eventually, I changed to an English major and Theatre minor. Great! This was the answer--the best of both worlds. And yet. . . I was still miserable. I kept praying and asking God what he wanted me to do. And the fall semester of my Junior year, I officially became a Theatre Arts major with an English minor. And I couldn't have been more excited and terrified. "These theatre people are so loud and friendly and crazy! I don't fit in here! They're all so cool and I'm just so--me. How do I even begin to try and pretend I fit in?" These were just a few of my thoughts. But I was where God had called me to be. . . wasn't I? Doubts began to creep in again as I overthought everything for the ten billionth time. What if I had made the decision thinking that my will was God's will and now I was going against what He actually wanted me to do? Could He still use me? Well, the decision was made and I even decided to get my masters in Theatre, because I loved it so much! Question after niggling question kept popping to the surface forcing me to tell myself that God knew what He was doing, even if I wasn't quite convinced. Eventually I started being able to push all the irritating fears and questions to the back of my mind. Then--the first semester of grad school hit. Theories of Theatre and Performance nearly killed me, and oh look! Those questions were back again. Then my teachers told me I was going to be the director of the 1st year's grad project, Hunter. HA! Didn't they know that they were dealing with a talentless mess of nerves and self-doubt?! What were they thinking?! Were they really willing to see a show go down the tubes thanks to an inexperienced director?? Well, rehearsals came and went. People kept asking me to make the final calls on things. 20+ sets of eyes were on me to lead a show. Me, of all people. I just prayed that the show wouldn't fall apart. But it was me that fell apart. A week before opening night and I felt like I had failed. Actors left rehearsal and I sat in Perf Hall in tears. If this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life in theatre, then I wanted out. My body couldn't take this kind of stress. And of course, my friend and stage manager, Jack was there. He told me every director goes through this. That we all have feelings of inadequacy and doubt. But that doesn't mean we're not good. . . . So after processing all that, I finally realized why I want to be a part of theatre. The real reason--not just the pre-rehearsed speech for when people ask.
I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to leave an impact on the actors; I want them to grow as people. I want the audiences to be changed. I don't have to be perfect, because while I want others to be stretched and growth to happen, the same has to happen to me as well. I'm not perfect, never will be. But that doesn't mean I can stagnate in the cesspool of my own deficiencies. God can (and will) use me in the world of theatre. I just have to be willing to let Him use my strengths and weaknesses. I don't need to be a genius to be an artist. I need to be willing to grow, even when I just want to be magically perfect. And not being good at everything--that means I just need other people who are good at the things I'm not to come alongside me. What a cool puzzle to be a piece in.
