Passionately Yours, Bekah

Just what you need, another blog to read. Why should you read this one, you may be asking yourself? Well, I know but I'm not telling. If you want to figure that out, you can keep reading until an answer comes to you.

In the meantime, I wanted to talk about something I've had on my mind lately...theatre (big surprise, right?) I want to talk about how important it is, even if you aren't a major and even if you don't really "like" it. I don't want to preach, that's not my job. My job is to share my passion with you and try to help you see what I see. I became a Theatre major because I couldn't shake the feeling that this was where God wanted me. At first it was just because I loved it and thought it was fun...but then I went deeper and started grad school. People, it's work. Hard, exhausting, emotional work. (Now I'm not comparing it to any other jobs or passions. I'm just saying that it is hard in itself.) I began questioning why I was doing this--I was exhausted and emotionally drained. But then people or play rehearsals would come into my life and remind me of something important--theatre is not about me, it's about a bigger picture.

People outside the theatre world (and some in it) believe that it is for divas to thrive and show off. But that is not true theatre. It is meant to be a self-sacrificial, all-about-others gift. True theatre means not thinking more of yourself than the other actors on stage. No one likes a showboat. It's about creating a work of art that is bigger than you--a work that can actually touch the lives of audience members who you may never have been able to reach outside of that show.

Theatre is emotionally draining. To be a truly good artist, you must be able to show the emotional state of your character. You must make an audience empathize with you. (This is easier with some audience members more than others...) It means getting outside of yourself and picturing the world bigger than what you see. If all you can imagine is your own way of feeling or living, you will never be a truly good artist. Stepping into someone else's shoes and figuring out how they work is difficult. And to do that every performance and throughout the (sometimes) months long rehearsal process is grueling. People, please try to see that being a theatre artist is hard. It takes years of learning and lifetimes of growth. (I grant you, many actors don't treat the role they have with the gravitas it deserves, but that means they are not doing their job, not that acting is easy.)

And very recently, I've learned first hand how difficult playwriting is. I'm not talking about the form, structure, plot, and characters that you have to create, though that is exhausting in itself. I'm speaking to the emotional masks that have to be torn off. To write a convincing play, you have to be honest with yourself or else the audience (who is always smarter than we give them credit for) will know they are being lied to. Writing this play for thesis was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Kaitlyn (the author of the other one act play for thesis) and I spent months writing play after play after play in hopes that our skills would be refined enough to create something truly worth spending months of our lives producing and bringing to audiences. She and I learned so much about ourselves that I would never have seen without this experience. We have cried together over revelations of our true nature, we have laughed at the crazy stories our mind can create, we have said goodbye to many dear parts of our script that didn't make the final cuts. (I know I can't say from experience, but these plays are like our babies and getting rid of parts of them was agonizing--but for the better, hopefully.)

I know I've rambled on and that most people have stopped reading by now. To those of you who have stuck around, thank you. My passion may not be your passion, but we have to see the worth in each others gifts or else we are not truly loving one another. And I haven't even scratched the surface of what being a theatre artist is really about. (If you want the exhaustive list, please go to graduate school lol. #shamelessplug)

I say all of the above to make a point. The four thesis students have poured months (almost a year) of our lives into this show coming in March. We have literally laughed, cried, and generally "emotioned" over this. We have assembled a cast, we are currently in rehearsals, and Kaitlyn and I have said goodbye to pieces of the scripts. Tickets are on sale right now...and they are only $8. Do you know how cheap that is? Anywhere else, they'd laugh in your face if you asked for a ticket that cheap--especially for two plays! (That's $4 per play.) $8 is a pizza from Little Caesars, a coffee from Starbucks, three boxes of Ramen. I know it's a sacrifice to have one less coffee. (Trust me!) But please consider coming and supporting our months of hard work on something we're very passionate about.

Okay, my rant is over. Again, thanks for sticking around!

If you are interested, our website is equinoxtheatregroup.weebly.com :)

A Director's Dilemma

So, I haven't posted on my blog since 2013. And yes, it's mainstream to do a blog now, but I've recently realized that we need to be open and honest with each other because you never know who's going through similar circumstances and could use some encouragement. I know I have been so uplifted by some of my friends blogs of late. So I figured I'd add my two cents. Feel free to click away now if you'd like. I won't mind.

The past few months, as some of you will know, I have been directing the First Year Grad Student production of Meghan Reimer's play Hunter. And it has been rewarding, challenging, uplifting, challenging. . . I think you see what I'm saying. See, here's the thing. For those of you who saw the play in Performance Hall this week (which has one more performance tomorrow at 7:30 for those who haven't come yet), you know that the script was amazing. It was awe-inspiring and honest. It laid the truth bare and gave it to an intelligent audience to mull over. I loved this play. But I was terrified. I'm not really an experienced director. And I thought I was going to ruin the show, or at least make it weaker. My self-confidence was at an all time low. I began to doubt being a theatre grad student. I didn't think I was good enough. So for a writing assignment that we grad students have, I wrote this essay. It's literally my mental process going through this. And I wanted to share this with any of you that are struggling with knowing where you fit in the big picture or knowing what God wants you to do with your life. . . so here we go. . .  *big breath*

"Worth in the Pieces"

What if I'm not good at anything? Sure, Biblically I have a purpose. And God didn't create me the way he did for no reason. But. . . what if I think I'm not good enough. Can that stop God? Can He still use someone who doesn't think that they can be used? Maybe I'm just exhausted--maybe this is par for the course and I'm just now getting to the questioning phase. . . . But lately I've been questioning my purpose. When I came to school my Freshman year I was an English Ed major. I hated it. I only did it because it was practical. After all, "I'm not getting married anytime soon. How am I supposed to provide for myself with a theatre degree?" It was discouraging. I struggled for so long to figure out why God would give me a passion for something and then not let me do anything with it. Eventually, I changed to an English major and Theatre minor. Great! This was the answer--the best of both worlds. And yet. . . I was still miserable. I kept praying and asking God what he wanted me to do. And the fall semester of my Junior year, I officially became a Theatre Arts major with an English minor. And I couldn't have been more excited and terrified. "These theatre people are so loud and friendly and crazy! I don't fit in here! They're all so cool and I'm just so--me. How do I even begin to try and pretend I fit in?" These were just a few of my thoughts. But I was where God had called me to be. . . wasn't I? Doubts began to creep in again as I overthought everything for the ten billionth time. What if I had made the decision thinking that my will was God's will and now I was going against what He actually wanted me to do? Could He still use me? Well, the decision was made and I even decided to get my masters in Theatre, because I loved it so much! Question after niggling question kept popping to the surface forcing me to tell myself that God knew what He was doing, even if I wasn't quite convinced. Eventually I started being able to push all the irritating fears and questions to the back of my mind. Then--the first semester of grad school hit. Theories of Theatre and Performance nearly killed me, and oh look! Those questions were back again. Then my teachers told me I was going to be the director of the 1st year's grad project, Hunter. HA! Didn't they know that they were dealing with a talentless mess of nerves and self-doubt?! What were they thinking?! Were they really willing to see a show go down the tubes thanks to an inexperienced director?? Well, rehearsals came and went. People kept asking me to make the final calls on things. 20+ sets of eyes were on me to lead a show. Me, of all people. I just prayed that the show wouldn't fall apart. But it was me that fell apart. A week before opening night and  I felt like I had failed. Actors left rehearsal and I sat in Perf Hall in tears. If this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life in theatre, then I wanted out. My body couldn't take this kind of stress. And of course, my friend and stage manager, Jack was there. He told me every director goes through this. That we all have feelings of inadequacy and doubt. But that doesn't mean we're not good. . . . So after processing all that, I finally realized why I want to be a part of theatre. The real reason--not just the pre-rehearsed speech for when people ask. 

I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to leave an impact on the actors; I want them to grow as people. I want the audiences to be changed. I don't have to be perfect, because while I want others to be stretched and growth to happen, the same has to happen to me as well. I'm not perfect, never will be. But that doesn't mean I can stagnate in the cesspool of my own deficiencies. God can (and will) use me in the world of theatre. I just have to be willing to let Him use my strengths and weaknesses. I don't need to be a genius to be an artist. I need to be willing to grow, even when I just want to be magically perfect. And not being good at everything--that means I just need other people who are good at the things I'm not to come alongside me. What a cool puzzle to be a piece in. 

Little Things

Revelation 20:12-13 "And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works." 

The passage that I started with was like hitting a brick wall when I read it. The wind got knocked out of me and I just sat here. Do you realize the significance of those words? EVERY single little piddly little thing I have EVER thought or said or done. I will be judged for that. SCARY!!!!!!!!! Thankfully, the penalty for those sins and actions have already been paid for in full. But I really would rather not relive most of what I have said and done and thought. Honestly, I would guesstimate that over 98.9% of myself, I would rather not talk about or have Christ see or know about. And he's got a book. . . *groan* AN ENTIRE BOOK (probably more like volumes of books) about me and all that I have ever said or thought or done. *That's it. I'm being a hermit and never speaking or thinking again!* If only it were that simple. Think about just today. What have you said? Was EVERYTHING something you would be fine with Christ knowing about? How about thoughts? Actions? . . . . Yeah. . . that's just today. Now multiply 365 days x however many years you have been on this planet. Okay. Now multiply how many things you thought and did today that were wrong x the number of days you have been on the planet. Not pretty is it. . .

Words. Actions. Thoughts. Emotions. Things we will never be able to undue. We let the little things of life bother us to the point that we can't see anything else! We let what people say and do to us ruin our outlook of life. We don't focus on the big picture. If we did focus on why we're really here and what's going to happen after everything is said and done, I think we'd have far less drama and problems in our life. So someone said something you don't agree with. So you want to help fix that person that is not as spiritually mature as you (side note: Is it our job to fix people?). So what if you just decide to stay mad at someone who did something that made you spitting angry. It's not a big deal! REALLY?! Siblings in Christ, really?! We are supposed to show the world that there is something to this unconventional faith of ours! The world should WANT what we have. . . not want to get as far from us as possible!! We have to answer to God for EVERYTHING (and I do believe He means everything) we say, do, think, etc. Let's start acting like each action and thought and word has meaning (oh wait! They do!) Who do we think we are to hold grudges or say biting words and think we can get away with them without any repercussions?! I know we'll never achieve perfection this side of glory. . . but let's not get a defeatist attitude and not care because "Well, it's not like we can do anything else!"

Guys, let's really show the world around us (whether they be unbelievers or believers) that our faith is in something real. We must put feet to our faith! As James talks about, faith without works is dead! Let's prove that our Christianity means something to us! And if it's not enough to want to be like Jesus and become something He is proud to call family, read the Bible passage that I started with. You're going to answer for what YOU do. Not what Sally, Fish, or Mother does. What you do. I have been really working on this in my own life as of late. It's not my job to make sure others are responding correctly. I do what I do out of love for them and Christ, but how they respond is not my business. Only God can and will deal with them. I urge you to help me and yourself. Save yourself the heartache of disappointing your Lord and causing yourself grief because you got too caught up in the "little" things of life. Be above board in all that you strive to do. Do it as to the Lord. . . oh wait! It's all for Him anyways if you're a believer. I love you guys. You're my friends. Let's strive together to put feet to our real deal faith! Keep me accountable. I don't want to get so caught up in the unimportant things or trying to "fix" someone that I miss out on being the believer Christ wants me to be.

Scripture Walls

It is so easy to get caught up in the world and what the world finds exciting. All over the news and internet there are posts about celebrities and all the new fashions and fads. As a girl, it is more of a struggle not to get caught up with them than it is for a guy. It's not that I want to be like them, but it's the shock factor. This celebrity is doing this, that celebrity is doing that and the other. We shouldn't be shocked by their behavior. But we are. And I think I speak for most girls when I say it's hard to ignore that stuff. Why? I don't really know. But it is a battle.

A few days ago we had a girls only chapel. It was so convicting. It was about purity. But not just the physical. She talked about staying mentally pure. Most girls think, "Oh that's a guy struggle. I don't have to worry about it." But in reality, there are many ways that we as girls struggle with our thoughts and purity. Most people would assume that being at a Christian university it's easy to ignore the junk the world finds exciting. And yes, it is a little easier here because there are rules in place. But it's still a battle. 

I have been very convicted recently about keeping my thoughts in check. I struggle with jealousy ("Why can't I just be as pretty as ----?? Why can't I be as socially awesome as -----?), worrying about what people think of me, and living in my dream world. I know that I'm not the only girl that struggles with these things. So I'm writing this to call on all the ladies who want to stand for what's right; the ladies who want to wage war on their flesh and mind. 

Why can't we influence the world around US for a change? Why is it always the other way around?? Who will stand with me and grow with me in building our spiritual walls that have their foundation in Scripture? I want to see my potential in serving the Lord keep growing and growing. Being able to keep scrolling on Facebook when there's celeb gossip or news, or better yet, not even being interested in the first place. That can only happen when I am finding my satisfaction and joy fully in my Savior. And I can't be joyful or content in Christ unless I know Him. . . And I can't know Him without studying Scripture. 

Grow a "Scripture wall" around your heart and mind along with me. Help me, ladies! We all know that half the battle is in the "what ifs" of the dream world in our head. "What if. . . .that boy liked me? What if. . . he and I got married? What if. . . . " And the list goes on and on! DON'T BASE YOUR LIFE ON THE WHAT IF'S!!! The life God has given us is perfectly created for each one of us specifically. We have the best love anyone could ever have. Why do we discount it as not enough?? Why do we think we'll be happy if we are someone else or like certain people we see as stars??

So this is my shout out to all the ladies who are willing to join me in waging full on war with our minds. 

Phil. 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Who will join me? Who will help me build my wall?

Outrageous Contagious Joy and Witness

Soooooo classes start tomorrow. Who's excited?! I know I am. As well as nervous, terrified, overjoyed, etc. Obviously, it's mixed. Lol I just wanted to share what God did in my life this summer and catch up on my blog.
As most of you know, I was home this summer. I really didn't do a lot. I substituted in the public middle school near my house for two days and I worked at the Wilds of New England for two weeks as well as working in my church, but other than that, not too much went on.
First of all, my eyes were opened subbing at the middle school. I saw the overwhelming need for love in those kids lives. Sure, love from teachers, parents, and authority. But most definitely they need God's love. They are so without hope and love. I am so burdened for the New England area. Especially the teenagers. The thought that most of those teenagers will grow up, graduate, live their lives without knowing the point of living or of the eternal life that could await them sobers me. I was terrified to substitute at first. Then I realized, I may be the only light of love and hope that those kids will ever see. AND I WAS ONLY THERE FOR TWO DAYS!! I weep at the thought that so many "Christians" can go about their day as teachers, or as adults in the workplace, or even as members of society and be so selfish as to not share the love of God with someone because they're afraid of what people will think of them. I am so guilty of this, it is disheartening. I strive to be seeking for those "Divine appointments" in daily life. I still fail, I still fall. But God is greater. When I lean on Him, and not on my own stupid pride and self-dependance, He can use me. Strive along with me to be a better witness for Him. Let us be bold as a lion and brave as a bear!
Secondly, I learned this summer that my joy only comes from God. As a girl, I so often depend on circumstances or people to bring me joy and pleasure. However, this summer God really taught me that He is all I need to make me joyful. I could have no friends and terrible circumstances, but if I am close to my Lord I can be the happiest person on planet earth. Friends don't determine my happiness (at least they shouldn't), circumstances don't even matter. If I know that my God is always good and revel in His amazing love and compassion for me, how could I be anything else but outrageously, contagiously joyful! Rand Hummel's message on Monday night was such a good reminder of this! When you truly meditate on all that your salvation is and all that He has done, you can't be sad. You can't be down or gloomy. Don't let your circumstances get you down! So life's not working out as you had hoped. So God's not working on your time schedule. So He's not giving you the answer you want. Well. . . GREAT!! He's going to do something bigger and better than you had even thought possible!!!!
So the two things I learned/was reminded of this summer in a nutshell is that I need to be looking for opportunities to witness to lost souls and be bold in my witness, and to let Christ be my only source of joy. Hope this helps you in the coming days! Don't let classes or losing a friend get you down! God's working in you and He promises in Philippians that He will complete His work in you! Don't get discouraged!!

Worry Warthog

Are you a worrier? As a girl, I worry about everything. Seriously everything. I know it's wrong and that it is just showing how much I don't trust God in certain areas, but sometimes I feel like I just can't help it. That isn't true. God is powerful and if I had the right focus I wouldn't worry because I'd know that He is always good in every situation.
I recently went through a really sad situation that I wished had never happened. I struggled, I cried, I poured my heart out to God. But pouring your heart out to God only works if you leave it with Him and don't take the pitcher, glass, goblet, etc. away from Him.
I have been reading the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It is the modern day story of Hosea and Gomer. I recommend it highly! Well in the book there is a part where two girls are struggling to trust God. The girl who had been saved for a long time took the baby Christian to her room. They knelt down beside the girls bed. But instead of praying, she pulled out a hatbox with a slit in the top. She explained that she struggled with worry and so she created a "God box." Whenever she found herself worrying about something, she would immediately go to her room and write the worry on a slip of paper in the form of a little prayer. She then dated it and slipped it into the box. After that, it was in God's hands. She no longer was allowed to worry or dwell on the problem. She explained that she kept it under her bed so that whenever she needed to get it or put it away, she was forced to be on her knees. She said she would later come back and go through to see the prayers God had answered.
That's what I've done. Last night, I was at an all time low. So when I got to that part in the book, I stopped everything went and found a little wooden box and filled with all my worries and cares. I got on my knees and put it under my bed. You know what? I came up feeling a peace and joy that I can't explain. Sure, I will still pray about those things. But there is a huge difference between praying for something and reliving your worries to God.
Sure I will still struggle, but I refuse to let it conquer me. I will show my trust in God in every area of my life. In my friendships, in God sending "Mr. Right" in His own perfect time, in going back to school and finding a ministry to get involved in, etc. etc. etc.
I hope this helps you. I encourage you make your own "God box." It really does work if you choose to let it. :)

A Burning Passion

I'm tired of being a pew sitter. I'm tired of wasting my life. I want my passion for souls to be so apparent that it spreads. I don't want to waste precious time anymore. Do you realize how many people are out there searching frantically for some kind of hope and purpose in life. Not only am I wasting MY life when I decide not to witness, I am wasting OTHERS lives. They could be living a full life of contentment and peace. I want the burning desire to witness to completely permeate my entire being. The only way to do that is to take the first step and witness. Fear is inconsequential. Only the Fear of The Lord is what matters. Any other fear is a sin. Serve Him no matter the cost. Help me win lost souls! The world is crying out for hope. Help me give it to them!! The message in chapel today was such a huge conviction. I knew what I was doing, or rather wasn't doing. It didn't matter. It matters. People's lives are a big deal. Each and every one of them. Whether you like them or not. Love them with Christ's precious plan of redemption and adoption. Have a burning fire the catches. Your friends should catch it too. We could do so much this summer. We're all going all over the world this summer. Think of all the people we can reach!!!! Pray that you will have a BURNING PASSION for souls.